Bringing sunshine in when it feels dark.

My silly morning of Easter eggs.

I’ve lost track of time, and have no idea how long I have been self-isolating. Some days I feel strong; other days I am not doing so well. Maybe you are experiencing the same revolving emotions.

For the first few weeks we dealt with some difficult and painful decisions (lay-off’s, closing a business, and reducing services to protect my husband’s grandmother). Because of that all my focus and energy went to managing the decisions and my emotions. At the end of the day all I had energy left for was having a bath or watching TV.

I spent last weekend planning for Q2 and then mapped out each week’s activities. I thought I was gaining control.

Here is the thing… not a single day went as planned. At first I was upset… but it didn’t take me long to realize that I’m still grieving. I’m still struggling. I’m being pushed out of my comfort zone every day, and sometimes it feels like every hour. I know that stress; pressure like this happens before an up-level and I try to be thankful for the opportunity to grow. But then there are moments where I just scream. “Why does everything have to be so hard? Can something just be easy?!” There are my dark moments.

One of the last times my husband and I went to the grocery store together I went off to find a clock for his grandmother while he finished the with last few items. While looking for a clock I passed the kits to decorate Easter eggs. These are not essential, they are not necessary. But something made me stop, pick two and put them in our cart. I have no idea what made me do it. What I do remember is that day I felt a lot of panic and fear in the grocery store. I remember that as we finished up some other errands, like picking up parcels and mail, I felt like the world was dying. Parking lots were empty and stores closed. I felt like I just wanted to go home to hide. Maybe the little Easter eggs reminded me of happier times. I don’t know. I just felt compelled to buy them.

Fast forward to this weekend. I was in a dark place again. I’m starting to feel restricted and, with no end insight, I’m starting to feel heavy again. I intentionally focused on activities that feel light. I spent time outside, hiking around our property, following old overgrown trails. I moved furniture from storage to our new (not finished but good enough for now) deck and I decorated Easter eggs. It was fun and silly and it felt good. I swirled dye in foam, dipped eggs, attached stickers and glued on glitter. These little eggs of happiness are for no one but me. But they are a reminder that I can find happiness in simple things. They are a reminder that it is okay to play, to just have fun, to ignore the plan and the agenda, and just be in the moment.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Maybe it will be a good day, maybe it will be a dark day. Likely it will be a combination of both. But I do know I will do my best. I know I will tackle the problems and challenges one at a time. What I do hope is that I also remember to make time for play. To make time to just enjoy the now.

How are you doing? Do you play?

“Just play. Have fun. Enjoy the game.”

Michael Jordan